There are so many of us out there crying for help and relief. Some weeks he makes $80 and that goes right back into the gas tank. I foolishly thought I could deal with his ways, but I was so wrong. My family consisted of 2 girls and 2 boys. Were working to restore it. I really resent myself. And here I continue to stay . I need her so badly to fix herself, becuase Ive got nothing left. The problem is he is 51 and has been unable to find another job. He will go and stay in hotels with her once a week, she pays. Im at my wits end. He recently left a sales job he was struggling with. Set up a chore chart for him and just calmly tell him that if he is going to continue to not work then he will need to do the chores. I felt a bit awful as he likely has a genuine medical condition and who but me to help in but honestly he has been so difficult and any govt assistance that I try to get due to 1. his disability and 2. He owes me thousands of dollars at this point. When I try to encourage him to change his strategy, he says he knows what he is doing. You already know what to do. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Consider this a 9 month course you paid for to see what you do not want in a partner. Admittedly, I make more than most of my friends with 4-yr degrees on my measly little associates degree (I work in the legal field), but living in this area on less than $100K a year? My live in boyfriend hasnt worked since July. Now imagine the rest of your life with someone like this. Now our two boys are 4.5 and 3 year old and in full time daycare. again! Its a vicious familial cycle. I cant ever complain to him because he says this is what I signed up for but guys Im soooooo exhausted. 4. I didnt eventually find work as my persistence paid off. Youll find that many ideas can cross multiple realms: Mental: Attend individual and/or group therapy. ..Over analyzing the situation. He can also just volunteer to fill these gaps in employment history. I feed the cat because he thinks cat food is disgusting (it is, but I am less bothered by it). This is known as "specializing," explains Ogolsky. Possibly it was misleading to state that during this time I have a good income. He spends a lot of time correcting me , how I do things .. Much respect for them and for you women who are sticking by them and hanging in there. He had a job. From the sounds of it, youre young and have the time to learn a new field. Me being me though and depression and isolation as my bedfellows ( and bloody facebook enticing me with images of my old life), I thought I should come back to the UK to sort myself out. I love him or else I wouldnt have been so patient. I think I dont just resent him, I actually kind of hate him for this. Finally, after hounding a factory and practically begging them to give him a job, they put him on. Support your wife and kids as it should be! In the process of letting go, mistakes will be made but theyll also be learned from. Then a 3 month temp job that ended with ..surprise surprise a back injury, 10 months of workmans comp and a small settlement to pay him off. He doesnt want me to go for another promotion. If you admit the reality and the logical consequence you can make the better choice for your life. Im completely at a lost anymore. Is there any way I can talk to him about this without coming off as a naggy mom-type? I am worried that I soon wont be able to pay the internet bill. 24/03/2011 at 1:44 pm. I now see that I was very ill and also isolated because I was hundreds of miles from family and all my friends were still in the fast lane. Rather than passing judgement on them and their situations, why not help them out. Uh oh. I could go live with my mom but that situation isnt for me. Your stories seems different from the partners these women complained. Sorry, Im getting off topic. While hes in school hes not working leaving me to be the only bread winner. How sad is that. It can get much worse. I feel most of the women in this blog complained for their unemployed partner is for : 1. Listening to all of your stories, I am asking God is there any relief for us? hang in there! Sometimes its too muchI cannot deal with this. I was so happy we had financial breathing room, and then he ate away at it. My husband gets EXACTLY like this whenever hes between jobs. He plays computer games all day and smokes weed. This is not just a problem with unemployment, its a full-blown mental health issue. I just wish I had enough courage to leave him. It goes way beyond loosing unemployment. boeing 767 patriot express. Every time I tell him I need help he blames my mental illness and tried to get me to see my doctor but the thing is Im fine! I saved enough money to last me just over 5 years, and have family help if needed which I dont take. If you are out actively seeking employment and honestly giving your best effort AND you are working any job (even if its flipping burgers or being a Walmart greeter) you can find until you get back into your career job.then this thread isnt about you, because you are making an effort. Now my office situation has changed, with a nasty, impatient and intolerant manager . Any advice on how to cope? I am in a similar situation as my boyfriend has been unemployed for about 9 months. Then he expects sex every day and I dont have the energy for it. And I started over with darn near nothing. If you cant manage taking care of yourself with the gigs you have and rely on someone else, youre UNEMPLOYED!!!!!!!!! On Friday I am so tired I just fall asleep and all Saturday just try to pull myself together after a other gruelling week at work. My unemployment is already taking its toll on the relationship. Its takes a couple of years to figure peoples motives out sometimes. Just read your post and it sounds like me!!! Im not alone in this. I do worry though, unemployment is causing a huge social problem, with the robot age approaching I worry about the plight of society as a whole. I have had to start on anti-anxiety medicine as I felt like I was about to wig out and keep distancing myself which I know isnt good for our marriage. I had never had that happen before, so of course I took him back. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Their first child was born 1 year later, during whose babyhood my sister must went through periods of not having enough money in the household. This of course has engendered an inevitable defiance toward authority. After 9 months of his employment we could not afford our mortgage so we sold our house in city and moved to a regional suburb . Im like, are you kidding me!? They might be sweet, hardworking, positive before, but once they become unemployed and with no income, they change. Thanks for listening to me. He seldom take a look how fast I does these house work and how much I do with a long full time work. As hard as it is, i feel its the only thing that will wake him up. :(. Whatever you do, dont nag. Can u sell something uv never seen thats in Ghana which is another country that belongs to someone uv only talked to over the phone, to a guy sitting in US/UK/China or South Africa that is as flippin broke as u? Women are EXPECTED to work outside of the home AND inside of the home, and MEN are the winners of the womens lib movement? Those of you in this type of situation need to take care of yourselves, because clearly the people around you are not. In other words, each of you is a complex, multifaceted human being who remains healthy as long as your mental, physical, spiritual,and relationship states are receiving attention. People get on your nerves and sometimes you just get sick and tired of seeing them, even if they havent said-done anything to you, you simply get fed up with seeing them all of the time. Thank you for your comment. In a bad 3 . I give up. Good luck, and hang in there. How I felt so sorry for my sister. Part of me thinks that the employers are seeing something that I dont see. He just sat on his butt and kept saying, I just want to work! but he needs to bring in some kind of money NOW. There are very nice nursing home facilities that would have taken care of your mom. We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. He wants to go to the court house because hes not able to hold a job done and give me my dream wedding , Im like no. U can not hope to choose way A to reach destination B. Ie. Worst of all, as much as I try to hide how I feel, she cant help but know how dissapointed I am in her! When we met I had only just moved into a one bedroom flat and he moved in with his three kids. But Id NEVER allow ANYONE to hurt my family.. the family who was there FIRST. I seem to convince myself to just hold on, make sure he is working good then tell him to go, but it never happens. they carry the bad experience for long time. This is known as specializing, explains Ogolsky. In fact if they really want to find a entry level job, they dont need to list their high education background to give the employer excuse to refuse them. Too bad. I am getting resentful because I work full time and do overtime often and dont have time for a social life anymore. I understand how you feel exactly and am going out of my mind at the moment with not a clue how to right things.My boyfriend of a decade has been unemployed or part time employed fir the last four years, currently working ten hours a week. Well this income has come from 7 different employers. I need to separate myself from my sisters situation. LOL). No apologies: hes driving a Kia Optima that he pays for with his unemployment. Private chat services are also available at thehotline.org. But since he didnt we dont know what to do. I love him so much, I truly feel he is the one but I am just trying my best to power through and be good to him and have as much faith in Gods plan as I can. Were lucky, I guess, that he has SOME form of money coming in, but I cant get over the fact that this all happened so quickly. i dont know what should i do. Needless to say he got angry. These people all apply for the same jobs and therefore there simply arent enough jobs to go around. I think I was just trying to get across that putting down my people in every conversation isnt a fun chestnut we should pull out every dinner. Not to be funny why are your days so long??? I feel everyones pain- the depression, the sadness, the resentment, the anger- my husband has anger issues, he truly has a lack of self control when it comes to his emotions. Keep engaging, though.. I guess, in a way, Im glad Im not on my own. Once you have thought about your own values, take a look at your partners values. Its no secret that finding a job these days is NOT easy. But I cant tell him he is an ungrateful ingrate because it would further damage his self-esteem which I am told on the daily I have destroyed for him. Hes coming back tomorrow. They disconnected. I am mostly referring to the men who have been out of work for years, not just a few months. Now all it takes is me walking through the door at the end of a long hard day to the sight of him playing games of the dishes not yet done to set me off like a screaming banshee. In 9 years that we have been together, he was not working for 4 Like everyone else, I was supportive at first then resentful of my situation. Have you considered getting her some training for jobs like certified nursing assistant? The hot topic in marriage therapists offices right now? Once released, i already knew there was something going on between him n the girl. I soooo desperately need some advice and am very isolated and alone in this. Tried several times! And when they dont have a job they are around the house 24/7 getting on your last nerve causing you to wish-hope-pray that they find something soon even if its something that ultimately is only going to last for a year or less (given the persons track record in these matters.) Things arent always as they appear. Despite this I have started to look at returning to the classroom. In the meantime, DO NOT give up! He wondered when it was going to be his turn to be supported but acknowledged I had done my fair share financially ( including spending some of my inheritance to improve our home and pay off part of mortgage). Im too stressed. Sit down with him and talk, and let him know that what he's feeling is okay. Now that we own a house, the house is not big enough, its not warm enough, its not laid out the way he wants. He failed the exam by several percentages. Fake interviews, youre overweight, they didnt like youblah blah blah are you kidding me?? The new contact lenses your 11-year-old is sporting because your wife made a doctors appointment and took him. Me and my brother are currently not speaking because he insists on mooching off of my parents/other people instead of earning an income of his own. Ive called the police on him a few times but he just keeps cominG back!! I believe he wants to work but Im not convinced hes doing everything he can to get it. After only a year and a half of being together, this man is not going to bring you any happiness. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and three months. I am extremely unhappy with out financial situation. He spent his time at home drinking coffee, browsing the Internet, sleeping and going to lunches or dinners with friends ( using credit cards, which my sister would have to pay later on). In some cases the opportunity is legit, but comes along at an inopportune time such as when someone has a relative who is dying, has died or is seconds/minutes away from death. I feel like I can never truly relax because Im always on guard for what his drinking episodes will tow. Go to new job and immediately started accusing me of having an affair, wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce. I pay for all the bills- all our production cost etc. The week after he moved in, he got fired from Honda. Its only been a few months since my husband has lost his job, but Im already feeling helpless being the bread winner. Its sad and pathetic to me. My fiance.. Has been unemployed for 3 and half years.. He wont even sign on and back the taxes that I pay for! Someone help me. But the most important thing is that you keep checking in. Professional help can assist you with learning new skills and strategies that can be helpful to your marriage. When they enter into relationship, they do not expect their partner not working for long time. My family doesnt like him at all, they have seen how he gets when he drinks and dont care for him. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years, he pays the bills, has to buy the groceries and pays for all the little extras and I can tell he is getting very frustrated. He keeps saying hes looking for jobs but we share an email account and there is no email trail and every time he goes on an interview (I get a call from my contacts saying he blew it). The last 2 weeks, Ive been treathning to kick him out if he doesnt have his rent money. He actively encourages me to do solitary things I enjoy, but when I do I have to stop quite often and run to his side to help him with something. Im tired; mentally and physically. She was arrested this week. I need him to step up. Im just wondering how much time I should give him, I am doing my best to care for his oldest son who has ADD and our youngest child who has autism. That's because spoiling your children doesn't teach them how the world works. I do laundry, cook, clean, watch the kid and our dog. Ive asked him to leave repeatedly over the last year but as he has no job, no money,,, to move all his many collected hoarded of stuff out. But I feel as you all do. If you have a caretaker personality, you may need to watch a propensity to give your life partner consent to remain stuck in self-indulgence and inaction. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. She is 27, unemployed and lost her uncle and mother in the last 2 years Do you know how many times I have wanted to walk out of my job because it is horrible? I have to say I have a lot of resentment towards him because I basically become the main breadwinner with no say. It works well for them. All Rights Reserved. He hasnt had a job since i graduated high school. Time. You may need to give him a timeframe, say 90 days, to either be working, or you will leave and no longer support him financially. Laura, whose husband's joblessness put at risk their lifestyle (big house, full-time nanny, that kind of thing), had to force herself to go from being a notoriously blunt individual to one who was much more cautious. I started getting vocal the last 3 years ,, just done and yup that makes me a bitch in his book ,, if I say anything about him not working , keeping work ,, somehow its all my fault for not helping him with resumes and job searches.. Hear me. "I can't even talk to her about the frustration So that's tough. Utter drivel and insensitivity and cowardice in the comments for the most part. He has not held a steady job in the entire 2 years that weve lived here. If you have similar start and end times and your workplace is close to theirs or even if you work in the same facility they could simply drop you off on the way and pick you up when they are done. I also still have to do my role of taking care of home and family despite him not doing his role as provider. All rights reserved. obviously this is a thing women are allowing men to do. three days later he gets an in person interview for a software job. I fell in love with my boyfriend when we were just two kids in college workin part time jobs. Ive been with a guy for 25 years now, father of my two children. Why? I suggested a few alternatives for him (back to school for a teaching degree and be a teacher, relocating to other cities with better job markets etc) but he just looked at you in silence, and then back to his old self. I worked 12 hour days 7 days per week. To cope with an unemployed husband, demand no less than one night in seven days when you can plan time alone or with your very own companions. It has gotten to the point where everything he says and does aggravates me and I have NO compassion for him whatsoever. Only later I found out the reason, my future brother -in-law was lazy, inconsistent, did not work hard enough and was not contributing toward the business. Ive been on disability for the past few months and its the only money i have. The former business partner decided to first, move from my brother-in-laws offices and set his own office, and, my brother in law was not invited to join them. When I first had him move in with me, he had from what he said, always been working a full time job at Honda. If youre strong enough to put up with this crazy man then fine.. but hes effected your elderly parents to the point that theyre starving and you STAY? five years ago my boyfriend voluntarily quit his 6 figure job in the technical field. I am beginning to rescent him and no longer have any sympathy for his situation. Sorry not sorry papi, You are funny Des and I love the bad arse Americans that just go,come on! I just wish I knew what to do. Part of HuffPost Relationships. ETA: PLEASE DONT POST THIS ANYWHERE ELSE THANK YOU. For example, should men do the yard work and women do the indoor chores? It has to do with being responsible and sharing the load. Life is worth living sweetheart!!!! -A. Ive been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years. Try reaching out to a legal or finance recruiter and see if they can place you in an entry-level position. It turned out that he had chronic appendicitis, but it took the doctors two years to figure that out. During a row recently I told him to leave,wasnt really sure I meant it as what I really want is a change in attitude and a job, but he refused and I know he has nowhere and no one to go to. In all this time he's been unemployed, he's never completed 1 application. Its been months since they ended it and i cant help but feel that he is only with me for security reasons n not because im the one he really wanted if gave the choice. If you walk into places like Walmart and act as though you are better than this place and are merely doing them a favor by agreeing to lower your standards and work there chances are you wont be working there. And you sound very responsible for 21. This entire scenario is indicative of a mental health breakdown, and the unemployment is just another side effect. I have known my girlfriend for over over 15 years, we got serious the last 3 years He gets great jobs but than quite them due to something he dont like about the job, or a person he dont like at a job. on housework when their husband is unemployed. After having read so many stories here , I think I can roughly classify the partner of unemployment husband of doing almost nothing at housework. Im at my breaking point, my boyfriend left a good paying job with solid benefits due to manager harrassment, last May. i am thinking of divorce. Ive tried to find my own job but it never works out because of my emotional and mental problems. I called the police. I have become very depressed and anxious thanks to him and this relationship and Im slowly starting to feel like it is my fault, not his. Sometimes you have to be selfish and put yourself first. I loved my work and then I was injured in a way that prevents me from working. Never bothers me or him I think. When My DH looks after my kids when I need to work, he just give them junk food and let them pay TV games whole day. I pay bills, organize household, clean, take care of the kids. We have been in a relationship since 2011 (4years) and now I think I am tired of trying to get a better future with him. They tortured him by removing his nails but he still kept himself smiling. Sick of it. Not to mention it has lowered my self esteem completely to ask him for money when I need it. But what I see described here is a sort of financial abuse almost. But it is becoming more apparent that this is truly wrong. Hes 45 years old. I didnt realise but I had gotten into a degree of learned helplessness in those 4 years of more or less little employment. I know these are terrible thoughts, and I try my best not to let them out to her, but they are there. Help your significant other comprehend that, 5. I was married in a sacred church and supposedly we are all supposed to live happily ever after, and be together even after we die. He sits in his room with his collections. Do you hold stay-at-home moms in the same dim regard as you hold your husband? When we got married, I never invisioned having to carry us by myself for this long. Im exhausted. Please help! This thread has been alive for 7 yearsand the excuses just keep coming in for why some people choose to live off of the work of others around them. Her unemployed husband became so discouraged that instead of looking for work, he would sit at his computer doing little else. If a woman decide to have baby, useful she will be have a lot of consideration to her baby before doing anything. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. I think that is part of the problem, we feel so alone as I imagine, like myself, no one else you actually know is going through a similar situation. And I LEFT. Yes, you spent 9 months on this guy. Indeed, the partner searching for work can pursue all the suggested ventures for getting that next job; however, it can be quite sometime before the husband secures the job. I plan on talking with him about a plan but Ive been resentful for years and weve had arguments a few times here and there about money. He cleaned the dishes, he cooks the dinner, takes out the trash, cleans the bathroom, gathers the laundry, and drives me to the bus stop every morning at 5:30 am. All while supporting myself and my son solely, with no government assistance or child support. This has always been an unpredictable paycheck, but I work very hard to make somewhat of a decent living. The person questioned whether I knew how far I would driving when I took the job. In between all of this I have learnt a lot about myself and finances. I also have my unemployed daughter, her unemployed husband and my 5 grandchildren living with us. Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. I just wish I had my faith that things would get better, but I think I lost that a couple years ago. (And to be fair, he usually listened.) That becomes much harder with time. I am left to think this whole 15 years was a big fat waste and now shes got me to do all her dirty work. I do love her, but Im at the point in my life where I want to settle down, get house and start a family. My hubby and I have known each other for over 18yrs. She said she couldnt afford to lose her paycheck. We talk about a lot but our communication is very poor on the issue. In other words, you know what you want to do and don't need any advice. A few months before i went back to work after having my son, all his money was gone and he had no job. Hell go to a store and spend $30 per night on food. I tried to explain to him that while I agree with him, hearing about it constantly is not of interest. I went to see the counsellor and she told me frankly that I have to be prepared things are not going to change for the rest of my life. Im regularly addressing this problem with partners, said Smith, a couples therapist in Roseville, California. Dont listen to all of the horrible Christian stand-by-your man stuff. The only time I have to job hunt is in evenings after babies have gone to bed.. During Paris Fashion Week, Anrealage used technology to make colors appear. I just dont know what to do. At the time she had just recieved her masters degree in teaching and was about to start teaching. i am newly married and just found out im pregnant for the first time in my life. I dont know how being solely focused on bad things going on in the world is helping either of us. He takes out the trash maybe once a week, but that's it. Remind yourself that that doesnt need to be the track you follow, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in North Bethesda, Maryland. It seems to me that Men are not allowed to be out of work for more than a few months at best, where as many men have wives who do not work and spend their money but that is ok! I had been with someone previously who had passed away and he was the first guy who I really got involved in years later. I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I am looking for a therapist or something, thank goodness for benefits. The author enumerates various reasons as to why husbands do not help women in everyday household work as much as they should. How was he brought up exactly? My boyfriend graduated the following semester in December 2014. I wish there was more I could do to help him find a job!!!! He says hes trying but all i see is him going to hang out with friends. I do not want to separate or divorce, but I am trying to figure out how to discuss this without upsetting him and his ego. So I have been the bread winner. This article clearly points to the effect unemployment will have on both partners, but it also points to the need to ensure both partners are looking after their mental, physical, spiritual, and relationship states. I was content with what I had materially more so than hubby and friends but always trying to push myself. It can be out of the persons way, at a time that isnt convenient for them and even if they have the day off theyd probably rather spend it doing things they find a little more fun. So many times people have said theyd help me only to have something come up or remember that they had to do something. Yet many of these people are among the more critical. Then he got really sick and my son felt sorry for him and asked him to stay with us. But things he does that arent money related actually are. He had not worked for seven years. Even if we love someone we have to love ourselves and do what is best for the family as a whole not just one individual. He keeps the house relatively clean. Harden the eff up. Sometimes he suffers from depression but I just believe he has a drinking problem. I am not pressuring him about his job hunt, and Ive offered to help him find (and cover the cost of) a therapist, which he declined. It cant just all be on me. ), Dont assume that your partner should just get it. Tell them its bothering you, Smith said. The 14 years prior were normal 9-5 for both of us (well it was actually it was more 8-6, but you get the point). I am now networking through LinkedIn, seeking out information interviews with executive managers, attending networking events in town, and continually applying for advertized jobs.We have not had to dip into any of our savings. We dont go out to dinner unless someone gave us a gift card as a gift, or I earn one from doing surveys. Or doing whatever chores you want done. When i get the chance to see him its me or his dad paying for everything. I am a stay at home mom of a 21 months old girl and I am also taking care of another child for about 20 hours a week. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. Do I dump him?? Keep on going to church and keep up social responsibilities amid the week. Resentment is a bitch! There is a difference between a spouse and a lazy ass. I don't go out much and I'm just drained. find a marriage counselor. And if I were to attempt to suggest that he work to at least make my life slightly bearable, I risk a temper fit that may leave all of my belongings destroyed for all I know. Now Ive been threatened with divorce and he has become emotionally and physically abusive. If it helps, download a habit tracker app so you can monitor your progress. We increasingly fight and I have turned into a caustic nag seething with stress and resentment. finally my mother got me away from him and paid for a new place. When a womans fed up thats it. Make a clear, specific request about exactly what you want or need.